September 29, 2017

“When was the last time you had alone time and felt euphoria from it?” & “Which part of work do you enjoy the most now?”

A friend of mine asked me some thought-provoking questions a few days ago and it got me thinking a lot. Just these two questions threw me off and made me reflect hard, because I could barely answer him. Both times. I don’t know if you guys ever noticed but I’m someone who loves spending alone time and I used to do that so often. I’d hit up a cafe along Duxton before my dental appointment and have an avocado lemon zest toast with caffe latte at 10am with just a book and my earphones. Or I’d have lunches alone in a salad bar while I typed down my emotions, dreams and goals in my notepad app. When I felt like I couldn’t deal with life or if I just wanted to run away to be alone, I’d be on a jet plane to some coordinates on the map, just me and my trusty luggage. Some of my friends knew me as the girl who ate alone and sometimes they would even jokingly comment “no friends ah?” but I never once felt the need to be conscious about it. If any, it was and is one of my favourite ways to watch the world go by and self-explore.

It saddens me a little when I realised I haven’t done this alone time thing in a long long while, and a peek at my schedule doesn’t allow it to happen anytime soon either. Life and work are zooming past me or at me like a train wreck. If you see me getting a manicure or getting my lashes fixed, it’s probably cos I have a shoot/trip coming up, or possibly my nails have reached a point of no return. Every morning I get up at 8/9am thinking hell yea I’m up early I think I can grab a coffee or catch up on Game Of Thrones but that work whatsapp comes in, that email I gotta send, that batch of photos I have to edit before this weekend, that backorder I have to liase with suppliers, that business trip I gotta find dates for, that photo draft I have to submit, that cafe I have to visit to do my shoots, or that plane ride I gotta catch, that luggage that I’m unpacking and packing consecutively, and possibly the worst way I hate to start the morning, that argument I gotta have with my supplier just to make sure everything runs smoothly on the operation side. 

I like being busy but I guess I didn’t realise how busy I’ve been of late (NZ aside, cos I really want to make time for my bf given the nature of our relationship) until my friend asked that question and how I noticed the number of friends I haven’t met in a long time, the ups and downs of their lives which I’m missing out on, and how setting a badminton session with Kirk and Vera was so difficult cos I’m hardly in Singapore anymore. And how even my own boyfriend can’t keep track of which country I’m in today. How I’m watching my dog grow older on the cctv linked to my phone, how dinners with my family mean a lot more to me, and how little I visit my grandpa now 🙁 how I didn’t even have time to personally find a new office space when my lease was up and the “me” whom I haven’t had a coffee with or allow to have some time to breathe. I have even more ambitions and exciting plans up my sleeves, and after everything I’ve just typed…I’m still thinking how I should squeeze these grand plans in. I want to believe that I can have a work life balance, but maybe I need to restart somewhere.

I think as a whole, I can still say I enjoy what I’m doing now. But if I were to dissect them into parts, I can’t quite put a finger to a favourite part of my job cos I’ve grown quite routined to it. I thought long and hard about it. I wouldn’t say I get excited at work trips, photo shoots or even “shopping” for new clothes anymore. At the end of the day, I think what I appreciate and enjoy most from this job is the learning process of it all. And this is what keeps me going everyday ; being someone who knows how to solve a new problem and someone who comes out a wiser person from yesterday.


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